We're all done!

Well I'm back home, which means the trip is officially over. Nevermind that Sarah and Evan each have one more leg to go, we're done. Now, as promised, lessons learned.

1. There are no cops in the midwest. I suppose there are technically, but they don't give a damn about people speeding on the highway. Though to be fair, our van wouldn't go much faster than the speed limit anyway.

2. The city of Deadwood, though famous, is not that interesting. They do, however, have excellent buffalo burgers.

3. Portland has the best beer in the world. I have been to lots of places now, and I can safely say that Portland wins. And while we're at it...

4. Portland remains the best city in the world. That's all I have to say about that.

5. Wed/Bed/Dead is an excellent game to pass the time, but it must needs be enjoyed in moderation. When you start choosing which car you're going to marry, which you are going to sleep with, and which to kill, you have a problem and it's time to stop.

6. Whoever came up with vodka-infused otter pops is a genius.

7. If you're going to have an argument with your significant other, the best place to do it is on the street, talking on a cell phone.

8. Sometimes the best way to get revenge on your father is to have children, and sometimes the best way to help your lover realize this is to steal his seed. This lesson brought to you, of course, by Julia Quinn, author of our latest, and possibly favorite, romance novel.

9. Sometimes a primal cry of triumph is just what's needed.

10. Lists are indeed better if there are 10 things on them.


In all honesty though, I have had a wonderful summer with this group, and I look forward to touring again next summer if all works out as planned. I have also had a good time posting on this blog, so thanks to our faithful readers (both of you). Also, if anyone is in portland or that general area, do let me know if you want to hang out or something. For all the rest of you, I'll see you when I see you. And finally, a list for old times sake.

Performances: 22
Days of rehearsal: 10
Cities: 7
Miles traveled: around 8,000
States traveled to: at least 19, 22 if you count Canadian provinces.
Number of different countries the 8 members of our company will be in within the next few months: 4
Biggest crowd: around 100
Smallest crowd: 4
Time between our biggest crowd and our smallest crowd: 24 hours

I guess that's all I've got. Thanks again for reading, and for coming to see the show, those that did. Cheers!

-Forrest

OH NO!

Everyone is gone!  I mean, almost.  Evan and Sarah and Lisa are still here, but that's like half the people we started the summer with!  As Becca said, our last show went fantastically well, and we are now officially going our separate ways.  The four of us are currently in a wonderful hotel in Rapid City, South Dakota, just a few miles north of Mount Rushmore.  Tomorrow we plan to see the faces, have lunch in Deadwood (yeah, like the HBO show town), and then high-tail it to Bozeman MT for the night, after which we will make our final leg of the trip home.  We're all a little giddy to be so close.  Maybe that's just me...

News from the road between London and Rapid City

Minnesota and South Dakota are so flat!  You can see for miles!  And you never get pulled over for speeding, because cops have literally nowhere to hide!  Also, the speed limit is like 105 mph, and the green machine can't even go that fast, so it's all good.

Evan and I are really really bad at thinking of animals.

There's nothing like The Sound Of Music to really wake you up and get you through that early morning groggyness.

Speaking of groggy, I feel we would be remiss if we did not give what you might call a "shout out" to Wes Battle, Lisa's dashing older brother who put us up in his place in Milwaukie last night, and then watched "A Few Good Men" with us and recited like half the lines with me.  Thanks Wes.

Which reminds me: Milwaukie.  Not a bad little city really, famous for breweries, so how bad can they be?  We found a little bar for dinner after we pulled into town and sampled some of the said beers, and oh my god was it good to have something with flavor again.  Also, I had fried chicken, which I haven't had in months and it was awesome.

That's all for now, more to come from farther down the road.

Danke London!

So last night was our final performance here in London. Heck, it was our final performance. Period. And, what a way to go. Our energy was high, the audience energy was great, and, we got a standing ovation. Only the second in our whole tour (I think.) So, points for London.
The town is great, the people have been nothing but nice (well, with the exception of the bizarre teenage hoodlum girls who shouted "you're gay!" at Lisa and me, and "that hairdo makes you look like a man!" to Sarah. That was just weird.)
But truly, London has been great. Lisa's and my host, Lyn even bought us t-shirts and postcards as a going away gift. Man is she great.
The tour has been awesome. What a way to spend a summer, and, as my optometrist put it "Oh to be 22, with no real responsibilities and traveling across the country with my friends."
Thanks for an awesome summer guys. I'll miss you all. Come see me in Chicago! I mean it!
Now, Santa Fe, watch out. Here I come!

One Show Left!

You could say we've got a foot out the door already; we're stocking up on food for the road trip, we're making hotel reservations, we're drinking the last of our alcohol, and we're almost completely out of fliers for our show. In just a few hours, we'll perform for the last time here, and then tomorrow morning we'll haul out. But that doesn't mean there isn't wonderous news to report.

Niagara Falls: There is a good possibility I'm even spelling that right. We made a day trip there yesterday, and my goodness. As Beth so astutely pointed out, from the water below the falls, it looks like the end of the world in Voyage of the Dawn Treader. We took a boat ride up into the middle of the horseshoe and got completely soaked. However, in between the walls of spray that the wind pelted in our faces, we did get a pretty amazing view. If Lisa is so inclined, perhaps she will post the most wonderful pictures we took.

Elephant Kiss Martinis: I had the most amazing drink last night at the Elephant Castle Restaurant and Bar, it was made of vanilla vodka, a splash of chocolate, and amarula cream liquer. Amarula cream is made from the marula fruit of Africa, and it's amazing. In fact, I think if pomegranite is the new cranberry (and who are we kidding, it is) the marula fruit is going to be the next pomegranite. You heard it here first.

LCBO: Or Liquor Control Board, Ontario for the acronymically challenged. We made a stop there the other day, and were more than a little shocked to find an utter lack of any dark beer that was not Guinness or some weird jamaican stout. Not that I object to either of those, mind you, but everything else they had was budweiser or coors or their Canadian equivalents. Minus 100 points for Canada for lack of good dark beer. Lisa will never forgive you.

The Witch Among Us: Not to worry, Abby has been officially brought down off her high broomstick horse. That's right, in return for the three crushing defeats she delivered to me, I came back from behind with three glorious victories. She may have superpowers, but they are no match for my powers of...you know, whatever.

A Response to the Honorable Madam Kate Russel: Ooohhhh look at me, I'm Kate! I'm in Japan! Oooohhhh everything is SOOOO different here, way more different than Canada, oooohhhh! I'm better than everyone because I'm in Japan and they're not! Yeah, what are you gonna do now, Kate?

That's all for now, but don't despair, I vow upon Lisa's honor that there shall be more updates from the road home.

Video? Video!

First of all Forrest, you can go outside and not die of heatstroke: London: a billion, DC: 0

Secondly, for those of you who haven't been able to see our show, you can at least see a 2 minute clip of it right here:



For the record, I am not the director (nobody asked; I'm not just engaging in a power grab, Lisa). Secondly, damn am I glad I let the others do the TV interview, because I look like a deer staring into headlights. This is why I prefer to run the headlights...

2 Shows Left!

We're on the home stretch, a show tonight at 11:00, and one on Saturday at 10:30, and that's all she wrote. I'll save the lessons post for another time, for now, some more information on London, Ontario.

Cultural differences
It's not far from the American border, but we have noticed some startling differences between London and America. Perhaps the greatest difference being the level of shame Londoners have about fighting in public. We have witnessed some serious relationship problems bubbling to the surface as people are talking on their cell phones on the street. There have been at least 5 sightings of this phenomenon, and we are endlessly entertained. Some quotes: "You know I would never cheat on you right? (pause as she awaits reply, then throws up her one free hand) The Fuck!" "No, you need to come and get me right now, I don't care. If you give a shit at all, you'll come down here RIGHT NOW and pick me up." I then walked down the street a ways, out of earshot, thinking that after a line like that, anyone would hang up the phone for emphasis, but as I came back a minute later, I swear she was saying the exact same thing.

Weather differences
You can go outside and not die of heatstroke. London: 1, Washington DC: 0

People differences
I don't simply mean the differences in the citizenry of London as opposed to say, Portland; I mean that when people come here they are completely different. Take Abby for example, mild-mannered, sweet, hardworking Abby in the states, but bring her up here and she is officially a witch with superpowers. She must have stacked the decks in her favor, because I still have not beaten her at a card game. Anyone that's ever played cards with me will appreciate how fucked up this is.

I'm not entirely sure where this one will fit into these categories, but it needs to be said. We were walking to our car the other night, past a few restaurants with outdoor seating, and there was a lovely looking family sitting there. Lovely, that is, until the mother definitely fed her baby some of her beer. It was unmistakable. Nothing like a bit of alcohol to really get that liver strong, eh? Good times.

I suppose that's all for now, tomorrow we're taking a day trip to Niagra Falls, I'm sure there will be some wonderful news to report after that.

Accents of London

Here in London there are many wonderful accents to be accessed.
They include:
Really weird one on The Main, which is a show on the Food Channel. Seriously, where did this guy get those vowels. We've never heard anyone use them before. Conclusion: maybe he's a Newfie.
Kind of awesome Quebecois one on Ricardo and Friends, on the Food Channel. MarshMELLows.
Variety of accents, rather well done, in Catalpa, as Forrest mentioned. Although it must be noted:
Canadians do have a different accent than Americans. Sound changes include the famous "oot and aboot," which gives Canadian English a kind of charming Scottish tint.
Really absurd extreme RP in obscure British movie, Bright Young Things, which is the film adaptation of Evelyn Waugh's Vile Bodies. Both book and movie were kind of awesome, not least because of the luminous James McAvoy's presence in the latter. Sarah will back me up on this one lest you suspect I am simply lovestruck and have lost all objectivity. Yes, I am lovestruck, but I also have excellent taste.
Awesome Manchester accent of Monkey Poet, who we went to see last night. Fun show, very raunchy but well done and very interesting. Anyway, raunchy is good for me, I learn things.
Okay this isn't an accent, but I LOVE the London Library. All of their books are spread across like 12 locations and take days to get here but man do they have good selection of obscure British films!

London!

We made it to London, after a short 12-hour jaunt across the border and around Lake Erie. It was a lovely drive, made even lovelier by the officer at the border crossing, who can only be described as dreamy. Officer guy, if you're reading this, call Becca, she misses you.

Our hostesses here are all quite lovely people; we're split up into three different billets this time, which makes it a lot of fun trying to work things out with each other and meet up and all that. However, it does have its advantages, as we have three times as many people who know us and who tell everyone they know to come see us. In fact, one of them went beyond that. Lynn, Lisa and Becca's hostess, was standing nearby as we were handing out fliers, and pretending not to know us, said, "Oh, On The Sly? I heard really good things about that from some people the other day, yeah you should definitely check that out." I just love her.

It's also nice to be back in the land of "The Beer Store" again, I missed it so.

There are some great shows here in London, I just saw a modern dance show about apples called Pomology. It sounds weird, but it was actually very entertaining, all of us that have seen it so far agree. There was also a one-man show about a whaling ship that went to Australia to bust a bunch of guys out of a prison and bring them back to New York in the mid-19th century. It was a great story and a wonderful performance, and Beth would be angry if I didn't mention the guy's lovely Irish accent.

We have 5 shows left on this entire tour, which is kind of surreal, but I'm optimistic about them. Our venue here is enormous; it fits something like 300 people, which could be seen as a negative thing, but I choose to think that they just knew we would need that much space for the oodles of people that are surely going to come after hearing such great things from our first audience. Seriously, 300 people every night, you heard it here first.

Abby is checking her watch and telling me to hurry the crap up so she can send an email. Maybe if I get some more time later I shall regale you all with another list, but until then...

Save Me Forrest

Send Troops

Kate is gone!

Not only is our beloved Kate gone, all the food she left behind is also gone. Also, she took fatty with her. I recently was able to stop crying for a few minutes, so I thought I would try and express myself through the art of writing. And while I'm at it, an update of popular Washington DC landmarks!

The World of Beer: Alright, so I know you probably haven't heard of this place if you're not from here, but that makes it all the more exciting for me, as I get to be the first to tell you. Their beer list is OUT of control. There are beers from everywhere in the world (only one from Oregon, which I find more than a little disturbing, but I got past that), and Jalapeno poppers that defy description. Also, it's right down the street from our venue. Hells yeah.

Capitol Building: Now as those of you who passed 5th grade history know, our government is divided into three parts. The executive branch, the legislative branch, and the judicial branch, the legislative branch being the one designed to be the closest and most accountable to the people. That said, the Capitol building is remarkable inaccessible. It's surrounded by fences and once you find your way through them, you still can't get in unless you're with a tour. I don't know how you get to be a part of these tours, but there was no place to sign up nearby. I was not impressed. I would write to my congressman, but the letter would probably be censored, so I won't bother.

Supreme Court Building: A lovely building, if a little small. Multiple entrances, fun stuff on the inside, and like three guards throughout the entire place. Amazing. Little known fact, the building was a pet project of Chief Justice William Howard Taft, of presidential fame. Not only is Taft the only person to be the head of two branches of the federal government, he spent his free time lobbying congress for his own building. With all the clout that comes with his two positions, I'll bet they let him right in without a tour guide.

Library of Congress: I've been to the Library of Congress (the largest library in the world or something like that) twice now, and the only books I've seen are two of the original Gutenburg bibles, and Jefferson's library, which you are only allowed to look at, not touch. I honestly don't know where they are hiding this enormous library I hear talk of, but they're doing a fantastic job. Maybe it's to keep up the mystique, like if just anyone were able to go into the library and see just how few books were really there, then the terrorists would win?

National Gallery: I saw a drawing in this museum that, I swear to God, was two inches wide by one inch high. Some guy named Rembrandt really put one over on those folks. I gained a new appreciation for Mr. Bean's opening of his discourse on Whistler's Mother. "First of all, it's very big. If it were small, you know, microscopic, no one would be able to see it." That said, it's an incredible building, with enough truly wonderful paintings to keep a person busy for weeks. Then again, I'm an actor, so I'm pretty impressed with little more than bright colors.

Air and Space Museum: I didn't bother to go to this one. I know quite a bit about air, having grown up around it most of my life, and what I know about space is that it is nothingness. Nothing at all. Also, both of these things are INVISIBLE. Why they would put them in a museum is beyond me.

Update on our performances: We've had lovely crowds our last two performances, the first of the two largely thanks to Abby's parents, who clearly missed their callings as marketing executives. We haven't gotten any more feedback in print, but we have heard some nice things from eavesdropping on the audience as they leave (our dressing room is perfectly positioned to hear the first things people say when they think they're out of earshot of the actors).

So now we have four more days and one more performance in the DC area, then we're off to LONDON! Ontario. London, Ontario. However, there is a 50% chance that we will be performing in the western part of the city, thus making our west end debut. And on our first international tour too. Wow.

In random news, we also met a hobo outside of a restaurant in DC who, after demonstrating his poetic prowess by reciting one of his own poems, proceeded to rattle off, in its entirety, "Casey at the Bat." I hadn't heard it since I was a wee little lad, so that kind of made my night...or maybe it was the pomegranitinis, which are exactly what they sound like.

Other Wittie sightings to report: Ajay Abraham, Roman Goerss, Stephen Carter, Matt Bennett, and Andrew Propp, who took what I am told are some wonderful photographs of us. Thanks Andrew.

I will leave you with a quote of the day: "I don't know what gave me the shriveled soul of a fifty-year-old bitch, but it makes it really hard to enjoy a sunset." -Redhead who shall remain nameless

Kate must not leave us

We are brain-storming ways to make her stay. They are secret plans...so I cannot tell you...Kate, I know you are reading this...don't think anything of it. If you are not Kate and you have any ideas, let me know and SOON! Pookie don't leave me!!!!

On to the next adventure

Last night was my last performance with the company. I am very happy to have been a part of this great show but, as I hear from the impromptu rehearsal in the other room, I have no doubt the show will indeed go on and be great after I am gone. What I will miss is just kicking it with my talented and lovely peer group. They are the kind of people who will clean blood out of your shoe at 1am, carry on a pleasant conversation with you while they puke in a field, light off fireworks on a national holiday other than your own, dress up as your arch nemesis, introduce you to girltalk and drive you to the hospital...twice? Please, Lisa?

We Made It!

That's right folks, we have hit the big time. Feel free to start selling your stories about us to the National Enquirer, and go ahead and drop our names at high-fallootin' cocktail parties, because we. are. famous.

How do you know, you might ask? As fame is such a relative term, how can you definitively say...I'm gonna stop you right there and just tell you. We were written up in The Onion. Fuckin. Right. For you west coasters who have never seen a skyscraper before, I should clue you in to the fact that here in DC, as well as in Chicago and New York and some other cities as well, the popular satirical online newspaper actually has a print edition. This print edition features local listings for things like theatrical performances, and there we are, On The Sly, and just below it, it says "Just when you thought the world of theater had given up on modern adaptations of Shakespeare... oh wait, nobody has ever thought that." Needless to say, I'm going in tomorrow to get a suit tailored for when I meet Barbara Walters...should be any day now. Booya.

Much News!

Oh my gosh, Washington DC is FULL of adventure! A few of us spent the day yesterday going to every monument we could and being as touristy as possible (pretty easy here it turns out, you could spend weeks doing it), so for all of you devoted blog reader, a return to our classic form. A list of famous buildings we saw yesterday.

The White House: That's right, we started big. As we approached the north side (lesser known, facing away from the Washington Monument), there were several aging hippies blasting peace-loving songs and displaying large pieces of cardboard with writing on them explaining why George W Bush is going to hell. Encouraged by the music (and dare I say, the onlookers?) two squirrels were definitely doing sex on the north lawn of the White House. Like seriously doing sex. It just might have been the highlight of this entire summer. We then walked around to get a look at the South side, and we got yelled at by a guard for not staying on the sidewalk. Luckily the Secret Service stopped shooting before too long, but I'm pretty sure we are now on some sort of watch list. So to the agent assigned to reading this blog, tell your superiors I'm sorry and I'll try to stay off the grass next time.

Dwight David Eisenhower Executive Building (known on the West Wing as the OEOB, or Old Executive Office Building): Let's just say that for all the responsibility the Vice President doesn't have, he gets a pretty badass building in which to do it.

Washington Monument: If I were our nations first president, I would be proud to have one of the world's largest and most unabashed phallic symbols commemorating my life. I'm still not entirely sure why Washington got a monument and everyone else gets memorials, but there you are.

World War II Memorial, Vietnam Memorial, Korean War Memorial: These get way more intense the darker it is outside, I recommend if you're planning to go to them, aim to hit them at sundown or just after.

Lincoln Memorial: You know, no one really talks about this part of Lincoln, but his speeches were actually really good. And there they are, carved up on the wall of his memorial. Also, the dude was enormous; it needed to be said.

Roosevelt Memorial: Easily the most difficult to find of all the memorials, but well worth the many adventures it took to get there. Waterfalls and inspirational quotes and a larger-than-life statue of a Scotty Dogg. Ohhhhh puppy!

Jefferson Memorial: Another one that takes some adventuring to get to. We walked past a sign that said "Authorized Vehicles Only," but we're hardcore and some of our group had just come out of the spy museum, so we walked through. No big deal. Anyway, it turns out Jefferson was actually not a bad writer either. Who knew?

National Portrait Gallery: All the Smithsonian museums are free, which is approaching the price I'm willing to pay to go into most of them. They're almost there. However, I splurged and went to the National Portrait Gallery today; the art is all well and good, but don't forget to walk into the inner courtyard. Beth decided she was going to build one just like it when she is a disgustingly wealthy actress so she can live in it. Hooray!

National Spy Museum: I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

In other news, I saw a show tonight featuring Dadaist clowns. I'm still not sure what in the hell Dadaism is all about, but it sounds like one of those things that's supposed to be capitalized, so I guess that's something right? Also, anytime you can find something to put in a show that makes people say, "well I really liked the parts where it was just clown stuff," kudos to you. Anyway, the show was pretty good, despite most of it going quite over my head I'm sure, so if you happen to be in the DC area, the show is called Manifesto, and I recommend it.

That's all for now, it's late and I must to bed, so I shall leave you with another list.

Number of rounds of drinks bought for our cast: 2 more than last time, I've lost track
New Favorite Drink: The Ajay Surprise. Trust me, it's actually a drink, this is not a dirty joke.
Percentage of us now in favor of acquiring a company cat: 100! KITTY!
Number of company cats acquired: 0. So far.
Number of performances until Kate leaves us: 2. Frowny face.
Number of performances before Lisa joins us: 2! Smiley face!

What is no one likes balloons?

Well it's been a pretty good few days in Washington DC. We've had two fairly well-attended shows, two good reviews, and a whole bunch of postcards handed out. However, as I am not one to dwell on the positive, I must say that for as cool as helium balloons with our title and logo are, there are very few people who will take one. I stood outside our venue yesterday and watched as Abby went from passively offering to energetically begging people to take a freaking balloon. Some people must really hate childhood.

That said, I must get back to my northwestern roots a little bit and talk about how weird everyone on the east coast drives. First of all, despite what some in our cast will tell you, easterners don't use their turn signals. Ever. Either that or they see the California license plate on our car and decide that going 75 on a freeway at night is the best time to get some revenge for the South Beach Diet. Either way, they go unpunished, which is just as well, because both the easterners with no regard for their blindspot and us westerners who are caught unawares are consistently driving at least 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit. Not that we're reckless mind you, it's just that we come from a part of the country where a 55 mph speed limit means you go 60, 65 at the very most, beyond that, you'll get a ticket. Here, on the other hand, 55 mph means that if you don't drive between 75 and 80 mph, you'll probably get rear-ended, and something tells me that any judge would say it's your fault.

Our lovely house in Lorton, Virginia has also enabled us to catch up on our television watching. This means lots of Daily Show and Colbert Report, but also a new obsession of most of our cast, Jeoprady. It turns out we feel really good about ourselves when we can answer entire categories, as long as they're about movies or broadway musicals or, oddly enough, Russian history. And someone might have a little bit of a crush on Alex Trebec. I won't name any names, but it's Lisa.

Anyway, I must be off now, maybe I'll post again when we have some actual news to report. Until then.

The Washington Post knows we exist!

Now I realize that I am more excited about this than perhaps I should be, but the Washington Post has given us a mostly positive three-sentence paragraph in an article reviewing some shows from the Fringe. Understand that to me, this means that we are practically in All The President's Men, and Robert Redford will shortly be having tea with us.

Lisa Lies For Fun

Lisa was lying--we are not going to be better at posting. She said this to intentionally mislead you. You. Reading this. Now.

DC is a giant steam room

No really, all of us West Coasters are melting. Abby says, "This is nothing. Be greatful for the breeze!" That was not comforting.
That said, an update: besides the heat, delayed metro, and expensive cab ride to our venue, the cast made it onstage to greet a lovely audience. Our openning in DC was a smash if not a grand aventure. Then we all split off to visit friends, family, or die in the heat "postering" (we actually just ducked in and out of places with air conditioning and put up very few posters).
Today is a new day and we have a whole new strategy of advertising; balloons and t-shirts. Nothing says "come to our show" like a group of people all wearing matching shirts (thanks dad) holding red balloons! So if you see us out there, we may give you a balloon in exchange for your interest in our show. COME SEE OUR SHOW! We are playing tonight at 7:30pm. We'll be there (no metro delay can hold us back), so should you. That said, our hosts are wonderful. You will all be happy to know that Abby's parents have been taking great care of your children and friends (I am assuming that is who is reading this). We all are sleeping in beds and eating healthy meals that do not have a trace of ramen in them! The view from their porch is beautiful. We are on a river. And those of us who take walks are in luck because we are right next to a wildlife refuge. Ok, Abby needs the computer. We'll be better at posting. I swear.

Reunited

In the words of the Muppets:
Together again
Gee, it's good to be together again
I just can't imagine that you've ever been gone!
It's not starting over, it's just going on!
Together again
Now we're here and there's no need remembering when
Cause no feeling feels like that feeling!
Together-a!
Together-a!
Together-a!
Together again....!
Together again!!

That's right, friends. FWP is reunited in DC! Woot!

I saw August: Osage County.

I saw August: Osage County.

Long overdue...

My goodness friends, what have you been doing without blog updates for days and days? Crying? I thought so. But worry not, for I come bearing news. So without further ado...

After Wakefield, I spent a few days in Vermont with Ms. Lynch and her most lovely aunt and uncle. It was delightful, we went canoeing.

Now I am in a house in Long Island with one Evan Cartwright, enjoying the strange summer weather of New York. The house belongs to some friends of Evan's sister, and they are proving to be most hospitable. Thanks friends.

We've spent the last two days running around the city, trying to see August Osage County, but it's always sold out. The good news, however, is that we did see Passing Strange, and it was fantastic, if you're in New York before it closes, go see it, it's great.

Evan and I also caught up with one Dru Johnston and one Sarah McCarthy, who are doing very well in case you're interested. Last night we all went to this strange little bar in Brooklyn that Rohan Flinn works at, and we pretty much doubled the amount of customers they had. That was fun. Rohan also remains well for those that are interested.

Tomorrow we are off to DC for our next fringe festival; we have 5 performances in 2 weeks, so that should leave us lots of time for adventuring around and making lovely new stories to tell you all, but now I must catch a train into town. Don't forget to drunk dial us. Cheers!

-Forrest

A total eclipse of the heart...

As this week we are on a break from performing, I spent 22 hours of travel and am now in Island Park, Idaho. And I just have to say, I miss the rest of FWP already!
You guys rock my party. Enjoy the break! I'll catch y'all in DC on the 8th :)

Wakefield is Magical.

So, Wakefield, Quebec is now on my list of places to live and be a happy hippie. It is magical. Despite having only 6 people in our audience tonight (it makes up for the 80 plus we had last night) I love this place. Tonight we went on a walk and saw fireflies. It was like watching the paparazzi out in a field. I even caught one in my hand and watched him crawl out the end of my finger. Then Beth and I saw an awesomely close shooting star with a really close, colored tail. It was beautiful. The frogs were chirping down by the lake and it was silent for all else. The stars here are maybe the clearest I've ever seen in my life (and keep in mind that I grew up in the middle of nowhere.)
It is a charming community of artist-types, the landscape is beautiful, and all the writing is in French, though everyone seems to speak English.
I am in love.

Wakefield Wildlife

Today in Wakefield we witnessed some wildlife. While eating cashew rolls (a kind of food I didn't know existed but was delicious) on the porch of the Pipolinka Bakery, my new favorite place (it was a real bargain for the amazing food), we watched a skunk try desperately to get into this shed across the road. He was knocking himself over, he was trying so hard to wiggle in. Finally, he managed it! And then a cat came along...It had been watching the skunk. We watched, on the edge of our seats, while the cat slunk up to the shed, sniffed around, started nosing around the hole the skunk had gotten in...we were anticipating a grand confrontation, but some people came into the parking lot and the cat ran away.
Also, this is not in Wakefield, but yesterday, Abby and Kate and Brenda (our host) and Lisa and I went downtown in Ottawa to see the cats that live in these little houses by Parliament. There's this old man who feeds them, and there are a bunch of strays that just live there. We did see one cat, and one sleeping cat, but the two animals that spent most of the time eating were an obese groundhog and a big black squirrel. The squirrels are black here, did you know?
Wakefield is the best town ever. There is a cat at our billet named Rafiki. He is friendly but he bites sometimes. However, he bites friendily. Becca bought a pretty blue summer dress and we all ate ice cream.

Wakefield

Oh my god, I want to live here.  Wakefield is a tiny little town about half an hour outside of Ottawa, and we are smitten.  First, some information about the festival we're a part of.  It's called the Piggyback Fringe, and it's put on by a group called Theatre Wakefield, which is just a group of people who are trying to build a theatre here.  This is the first year they've done this festival, they don't charge the performers an entry fee (all the other festivals do), and they publicize the crap out of it, as evidenced by our audience of about 100 last night.  Also, we get 100 percent of the box office revenue.  Theatre Wakefield is using the festival to try an raise money for their theatre.  I just love them.  Also, we might win a canoe.

The venue we're performing at is called the Black Sheep, or rather, the Mouton Noir, as we are now in Quebec.  It's a little bar/restaurant with a tiny stage, usually used for musical acts I think.  Right across the street from the bar, and I mean right across the street, is the river.  The view is incredible, even when it's overcast or a little foggy, or raining.  It's just amazing.

Our hostess here is a perfectly lovely woman named Linda who owns an adorable little house out in the woods outside of Wakefield.  She also has a barn that she refurbished to function as a retreat for team building exercises and the like.  We're staying in the barn, which has internet access, a piano, lots of music, and lots of books on things like team building exercises.  It's also right next to a creek and  a lake in which we can swim and frolic.  Also, there are fireflies.  Seriously, I thought those were made up, but they're real.  I saw them, they're amazing.

Our performance last night, as I said, was incredibly well attended.  I actually would not have thought there were that many people living in this town, but there they all were, drinking and watching our show.  I think we all agreed that it was by far the most fun we've had so far.

What all of this adds up to is that Canada wins like 1000 points.  Seriously, this place is amazing.

We are staying here for our last performance tonight, and then tomorrow for Canada day, Canada's 4th of July, only better.  Apparently there's a boat that's going to float down the river, stop in front of Wakefield, and be the home to an all day party that is capped off by fireworks at night.  We're all pretty excited for that too.

Needless to say, morale is high and life is good.  Next time you're swinging through Canada, take the time to hang out in Wakefield for a while.  And to cap it all off, let us close with a list.

Drinks bought for members of our company: 4.  Woot.

Still the best feedback we've gotten on our show: Hey Shakespeare!

That's all for now.  More lists later.

Lisa...could you maybe...give me...a teabag?

1. Number of people who ran out into the hallway yesterday when we heard Otto say "Are you Kate?" in his real voice: probably at least four. We are the worst wingmen evER.
2. "Mall Madness" has the most complicated setup of any game I have ever played. It seriously takes about 10 minutes to assemble the board. Then it trains you to be a consumer via a big-brother style electronic dictator. The Hair Salon was out of conditioner two turns in a row.
3. This morning I very politely accidentally requested that Lisa teabag me. Lisa, I apologize from the depths of my heart. Thank you for the Chai.
4. Pilates is weird.
5. Lists also work if you end at 5 items.
p.s. And a p.s.
p.p.s. This is my first blog post! Weeeeee! Pleased ta meetcha!
- Breasty Freedom

My Canadian Education

1. exercise makes you soar... that is indeed what she said

2. going for a walk is a work out when you get lost: like it or not you're going to exercise for 2 1/2 hours.

3. Parliament is pretty. They have stone carvings of planes, electrical generators, and tractors in the middle of a neo-gothic-al building to represent the people.

4. Canadian's trust people. Me, a crazy american theatre artist, got into their government building without paying, without id, without even saying an oath to the queen... I went through a metal detector and I was in! I quickly tested the security by saying "my government museums are better than yours!" and nobody beat me with sticks. 

5. The queen is still in charge, she has a government general lady who is basically "queen II" who rules for her. This general lady is appointed and rules! Queen II then has the power to appoint an entire senate! The senators have life long terms. Queen II can choose her dentist to be an all powerful lawmaker and no one would bat an eye lash. It's awesome.

6. Senators can knit and make laws. It's true I saw too elderly ladies on the senate floor knitting while listening to bill proposals. I totally want to be a Canadian senator. I need to befriend this Queen II lady. 

7. I am pretty sure I have no concept of how this government works and that all the above is incorrect and mildly offensive. I haven't wikipedia'd it. So I apologize to all you Canadians for being confused and daft. I think your capital is pretty though!

8. Lists make better posts

9. there were 16 people in the audience last night, but they laughed like they were 30. Go Ottawa! 

10. Ten items makes a better list

Queen o' the mall

It must needs be declared that Fofo is officially "The Queen of the Mall." That's right friends, he beat us all at the horribly insipid and slightly too long board game "Mall Madness." Congratulations Fofo. Speaking on behalf of my other, slightly less masculine half (sorry Evan,) "Meghan" bows to your mighty shopping and ATM-withdrawing abilities.

A low blow

Watch your back, Kate, that's all I have to say. Just because you hear me snoring doesn't always mean I'm asleep.

That said, KITTIES! That's right, the capital of the great nation of Canada has Parliamentary Cats. That's actually a really nice name for strays that a kindly old retiree took in and feeds every day. Ottawa also has black squirrels and groundhogs. So basically, like 500 points for Ottawa. Canada wins.

I actually don't have that much more to say, and perhaps should not have started this blog entry, but I suppose I've come this far and I might as well post it. Think good thoughts, especially if they're about me. Think a lot of those.

Spelling, suffixes

In a twist of fate that is enough to make Ayn Rand believe in the hand of God, Forrest inadvertently turned prophet earlier this week by misspelling 'Ottawa' as 'Ottowa'. For truly, my brethren, the land has indeed become indelibly marked as Otto-wa.

Maybe we shouldn't read too much into this though, as Forrest has a surprising amount of difficulty with the English language considering his relative familiarity with it. Otherwise, he would understand suffixes and the crucial difference between -ed and -ing. As in, 'died' and 'dying'. The difference is slight but, and I believe dying people would agree with me here, important. So, no investing in crucifixes yet I guess. Except when Evan wants a midnight snack.

A defense

As always, a list.

Number of times Forrest has used the word "bitch" in reference to Kate: 0
Number of times Kate has used the word "bitch" in reference to herself: 1

Forrest wins, just for the record. However, I am still willing to take the blame and apologize publicly to Kate, as it is conceivable that her new boyfriend will be reading this blog. Sorry Kate.

That's right, Kate went to see a most excellent show last night called Die Roten Punkte (Evan and Sarah and I were going for the second time) and the lead singer, Otto, dedicated a song to her. Later, at the beer tent, Otto was hella making eyes at her (he looked right at her at least once), and then he gave her a shout out after singing a karaoke song. So they're pretty much going steady.

Also, an update on the romance novel, Carly now has abandoned her dreams of becoming a lawyer. Instead, she wants to be an event planner, which is good because now she can stay at home and take care of Lorenzo's children. He's very proud of her. Then they had sex lots of times. It's really a very uplifting story as long as you're not a woman.

That's all. Come see our show thursday night at 11 if you're in Ottawa.

How Private is this Blog Forrest?

Seriously. Maybe we should tone down how much of a bitch I am. I find myself alienating.

A short post today kids. I think just a list.

Romance novels read aloud: 1 3/4
Romance novels written: 1/4
Hugs given to performers during shows: 1
Invisible vegetable casseroles eaten during shows: 1
Fraction of the company now in favor of getting a company cat after seeing Boatload: 7/8
Killjoy holding us back: Abby
Latest retro craze: Tye dyed pants. You heard it here first.
Latest professional ventures of Forrest and Evan: Professional Modeling. Seriously. Look for us on the latest ad for Vitamin Water.

Do good things everyone. And if you have some free moments, send us money. Please.

-Forrest

Also...

...in Canada they sell otter pops infused with vodka. In flavors such as black currant and strawberry rhubarb.

My turn

I noticed that I am the only person who hasn't yet posted on our blog. This could be because I have my own blog, or because everything I would blog about has been previously...blogged.

Loblaws!

So. In the interest of leaving my mark, I present, A List. Deal with it, Fofo.

Things I like about the Ottawa fringe:
-Buttons
-Stilts
-"Boatload"
-That German punk show
-The beer tent (beer tent!)
-The dachshund I saw walking down the street the other day
-Adult otter pops. Good find, Kate

Things I feel could be "improved":
-Traffic
-The note that one angry girl left on our windshield (I thought she could've used "douchebag" another time, to greater effect)
-The exchange rate
-Carly's (current romance novel heroine) self-esteem

Canada did win many more points last night, however, for their awesome beer. I'm pretty sure I enjoyed it tremendously.

Pools, Classy Liquor Stores, Girl Talk and Constantly Reading Trash pt. 1

Today I went to the recreation area across the street and, with a slightly fake student ID, made it into the lane swim for 3 dollars off asking price. Honestly, I just don't consider myself an adult--I feel like paying that fee would be the real lie. The pool is full of real swimmers swimming real fast and dirty old French men with a sprinkling of adorably acerbic ancient Englishwomen. Occasionally, I had to employ the personal space bubble of viciously whirling my arms in some sort of undetermined exercise in an attempt to keep the Dirty Old Men at least an arms' length away from me. I do this sometimes when working out or dancing if dudes start crowding me and then I can punch them pretty hard and act like it was an accident. Overall though, I did not end up fighting octagenarians at the public pool but instead engaged some ridiculous older biddies with charming English accents about how we are all likely to not get anything good out of life before using the sauna and walking back.

They put milk in bags

Canadians are iteresting folk. They put their milk in bags. I think that is messed up. I mean it looks like a big breast implant, which naturally reminds me of what milk is...then I re-think my relationship to dairy products and start to question my love of cheese...NO ONE  SHOULD MAKE ME QUESTION MY LOVE OF CHEESE! Canada, that's wrong, Americans never make their hamburgers in the shape of little cows and our nuggets look nothing like chicken. Its all a big conspiracy to make people vegan. 

Anyway, the capital of Canada is quite pretty. There are beautiful UK looking buildings that give the illusion that they are old buildings (but our buildings are older another point for America were are not the baby of North America). They have canals that cut through the city and picturesque bridges that go over them. Our company has had a few romantic moments strolling over them. They also have a parliament building and museums much like our capital, I hope to venture into them and see some important canadians doing important things that have very little to do with me. 

As for the fringe, we have learned that Fringe theatre is very much like public school, they take everybody. The good and the bad...like really bad, and it's all the same price. So seeing a show is like a grab bag of gifts: you may get a cool lego set or you can get a used sock. This makes theatre going fun and risky. I can't wait to play today! 

. 

Too many plays!

Plays seen: 4
Plays enjoyed: 3
Number of enjoyed plays we understood: 2
New obsession: Stilts

That's right, stilts. We saw a play called "This is a very old story." I'm gonna have to take their word for it, because no one I was with could follow the story, but that was okay because it was almost entirely on stilts. In fact, the only people not on stilts were there to get people up and down from the stilts. Actually I just like saying stilts. Stilt stilt stilt. It's one of those words if you say it long enough, you hear the voice of God.

We've now done three shows here in Ottowa, and all things considered, it's going quite well. We had a pretty big crowd on Saturday, and on Sunday it was a little smaller, but there was one guy that had a lovely laugh who was sitting in the front row bellowing throughout the whole show. Thanks guy.

Also, I can't believe I forgot the beer store. What a concept.

And now, a quick summary of some of the lovely people we have met thus far.

Javid: See post below. Dudes a little cray cray.

The guy that played Jesus in Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter: Yep, he's here, he has one line, and it was the funniest line in the show. The rest of the time he's passed out in the corner.

Sampler man: He works one of those sample carts at the local grocery store (Loblaws. Still funny). I took a small cup of delicious iced cream, then he looked at me, reached under the counter, and gave me a popsicle. Said it was good for a hangover, and that I looked like I needed it. Thanks sampler man.

That's all the time I have, perhaps there is more to come later. And maybe my castmates will step it the crap up and post something. Anything. Except Becca, she's cool. And Kate. Not because she posted something, but because she could easily kick my ass. Also, personal message to Miss Rosie Brownlow. If you're not her, stop reading. Rosie, of course we brought Gus, but as could be expected, he's pissed drunk and passed out in the food bag in the car. I did my best.

We all be cray.

I would like to first and foremost like to give Ottawa a few more points than Forrest's supposedly generous 'merican (not to be mistaken for "merkin") heart was dealing out. It is truly a lovely city. I give it like, 25 points at least just for being pretty. Maybe this is because, as Forrest pointed out, Michigan and Toronto were not easy on the eyes. Ottawa really does feel very much like the UK, only the people here are actually very nice and do not tell you to "%!*$% off!" in the tube (not that I'm bitter, ahem London!)
Also, I would like to give Ottawa some points for selling romance novels at the drugstore titled "Under the Italian's Command." This is a poorly written, misogynistic book, but it is entertaining beyond words. Also, Ottawa drugstores sell delicious chocolates from Europe which also make me happy. So, definitely 15 points there.
Also, I don't have a clue why anyone would put down flier-ing. What is not to love about wrapping one's tightly rag-curled head in a bright red scarf and darting through the trees at rib-eating strangers who are eating ribs to shove our show fliers into their hands and give them a mile-a-minute speech about driving across the country from Walla Walla, Washington? I thought it was a grand time.
As for the fire-hydrant incident. I maintain that it was hard to see, and, at the very least, we got a hilariously written insult on a gum package out of the deal. And, we invented a very horrible slur that night. Or rather, shall I say a certain male member of our company that is not Forrest, invented a new horrible slur. I give out points for that.
I also give Ottawa points for 1) Loblaws grocery store. "Bob Loblaw's Law Blog anyone?"
2) The Beer Store. It is exactly what it sounds like, only cooler. A warehouse full of 500 types of beer that you order and it comes out on a conveyor belt. Unfortunately for me, I grew up in a state with 3.2 beer, and have a slightly low BMI, so really, one beer out of the 24 purchased at The Beer Store will do the trick quite well.
So, basically, go Ottawa!
Secondly, I would like it to be added to the record that our company has been setting new fashion crazes. Pink grandma shirts are desirable beyond all belief, especially when paired with shorty running shorts. Scarves over hair tied up in rag curls are all the rage, and, last but not least, UNDER-EYE CIRCLES take the cake. They are H-O-T-T. Maybe even hotter than my future Arkansan husband Jared Hatt.
Oh, and also, I would from here on out like you all to imagine my name, Bambi Boom-Boom with a heart over the i in Bambi.
Kisses!

Ottowa Fringe!

First and foremost, Kevin Moore and Willy Kunkel are pretty cool. I just thought I'd get that out there.

Now, after nearly 50 hours and 2500 miles of driving in the last three days, we've arrived in Ottowa. Before I talk about Ottowa, I feel I need to update you readers (both of you) on our experiences thus far. In characteristic me fashion, I shall start with a list.

Number of instances of cows doing sex we saw on our way: 1
Number of cows seen peeing on our way: 2
Number of phrases I have been banned from saying: 2
Number of phrases I have stopped saying since being banned: 0

And now, a quick summary of the states we drove through.

Idaho: Very nice, but I slept through most of it.
Montana: Montana is beautiful and scenic and there was nary a speed trap to be found. However, there was also a depressing lack of restroom facilities on I-90, causing three of our company members to pee in the grass near the highway. It was the least humiliating thing we've done on this trip.
Wyoming: It was dark and we had been driving all day. I did learn an important lesson there, which is that Becca Cox is completely crazy.
South Dakota: Flat, but it has a very nice hotel near Mt. Rushmore that, were we there for more than the six hours we had to sleep, I'm sure we would have enjoyed a great deal.
Minnesota: Holy crap, if I lived there, I would be really nice too.
Wisconsin: Abortion billboards and cheese factories. Need I say more?
Illinois: Despite the IlliNOISE we made as we crossed the border, traffic was not kind to us. We stayed in Becca's apartment in Chicago, which was very lovely. Then we left.
Indiana: I was more than a little saddened to be singing "Gary Indiana" from the Music Man, only to find that Gary, Indiana is kind of a shithole.
Michigan: Lots of factories.

After this veritable whirlwind of midwestern states, we reached the border crossing, and upon hearing that we would actually be doing something in Canada other than disturbing the locals (though of course we intended to do that as well), they sent us to the immigration building to get permits or something. It doesn't matter, the point is, the immigration lady had a crush on me. She even asked me my marital status and place of birth. Hott.

And now we're in Canada, and we have decided upon a foolproof point system to determine whether we like it or not. We'll go in order.

Toronto: Minus 50 points. This city has absolutely no redeeming qualities, don't even try. It's a good thing it came first, and since we've been feeling much nicer and more generous since entering this wonderful country, we don't do negative points. Otherwise, Canada would be screwed.

Our house in Ottowa: Plus 10 points. We basically have this entire house to ourselves. Our hostess is a lovely woman named Brenda who has a large 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom house all to herself. She made us keys and instructed us to make ourselves at home. Go Brenda.

Ottowa: Plus another 5 points. It's like being in the UK, except they all drive on the right side of the road. And the exchange rate is a little better. As Ottowa is the capital of Canada, Parliament is right in the middle of town. It's lovely.

Fringe Performers: Plus 3 points. We might learn how to walk on stilts later this week, and that's all I have to say about that.

Flyering and postering: Minus 15 points. I'm always one for making an ass of myself, but this is out of control. It didn't help that we were still running on not enough sleep. Abby tried to give a flier to the same people three times in the course of about ten minutes.

Our opening performance: Plus 5 points. We actually had more people in the audience than onstage! Mission accomplished! It turns out we might just have enough money to get home after all. Seriously though, the performance was pretty good, and much to Beth's delight, just across the street from the theatre was a pub called, and I still don't believe the luck, The Royal Oak. It's very cute.

I just remembered that I owe everyone an apology. I'm writing this from a library near our house and I forgot to bring the most eventful part of yesterday. It appears that in my haste to bring the car nearer to the Royal Oak last night, I parked right in front of a fire hydrant. I maintain that it was Becca's fault for not seeing it, but that's neither here nor there. The point is that when we returned, we had a little note that some concerned citizens left. I shall post the contents of said note next time, never fear.

Alas, that's all I've got in me for now. Perhaps my cohorts will come and fill in the blanks a little bit. I miss you all and I hope you're having lovely summers, even though I'm not there.

-Forrest

Ruby Tatas

I obviously hate a few things in my line of work (semi-professional hater), but there is one name that really spits on my grits. That name, ladies and gentlemen, is Mandy. I hate it. Hate it mainly because half of the Barry Manilow song plays in my head everytime the name is uttered. (Clearly I hate the song as well). So, what do I discover but that the name of our GPS is none other than Mandy? Oh! AH! AARGH. I refuse. Yet somehow Mandy's name is irreversible according to other cast members. Therefore, I propose that Mandy has a job as an exotic dancer by night at a club of less than savory disposition. Naturally she must have a stage name. And effortlessly the name Ruby Tatas immediately sprang to mind. Beth then required her own stage name for unclothed dealings and so, I have taken the liberty of providing alter-egos for all of my cast mates in case they decide to delve into the world of striptease:
1. Beth Frieden= Breasty Freedom
2. Evan Cartwright= Esteban Cockwell
3. Sarah Hatheway= Sweet Honeypie
4. Abby Lynch= Amber Lips
5. Lisa Battle= Lady Delight
Becca Cox and Forrest Seamons posed a bit of a challenge as, sorry guys, they already have near-striptastic names, but in the interest of fairplay I now dub them Bambi Boomboom and Heart Throb.

I will continue wearing these awesome new glasses I bought courtesy of the local Kmart that make me look even more like the Lolita-esque teenage Lothario I am attempting to be. Goodnight.

a few photos

Well, I'm glad Forrest started a location where I can put up my favorite "sarah playing the flute" gallery. So much more fun than those normal show photos.

Not Official Enough!

It's been two weeks with this cast and we've already decided that one blog is just not enough to hold us.  For updates on show dates and performances and such, check our official website at formerlywitty.blogspot.com.  This blog is to chronicle our more adventurous news from the road, the stuff that we might not want official people looking at.  And so, without further ado I will attempt to sum up the lessons we have learned thus far.

1. Don't double park!  Our first week of rehearsal in Portland, we were delayed by half an hour due to someone double parking and blocking us in.  That was, of course, until we realized that my car was directly across the street and big enough to carry everything we needed.  The combination of that and the fact that double-parking jackass left their keys in the car, probably so that we could move it if need be, made us feel a little silly.

2. Drinking an entire bottle of wine can make you an alcoholic.  It can also make you a really good actor.  Also, when ones parents buy the wine, that's a plus.

3.  Men are good for more than tasteless jokes.  They also are very good at fending off strange, creepy old men from coming into the dressing rooms while girls are changing.  This bears some explaining, as I feel I need to come to the defense of a new friend.  His name is Javid.  It probably isn't, but we don't actually know his name for sure; we're just pretty sure it's either Jason or David.  We met Javid at the free lunch the festival provided for us, and we quickly learned two things about him.  1. He knows lots of things, and 2. He likes telling all of those things to everyone around without pausing to let them say anything.  I personally enjoyed him immensely, as he reminded me somewhat of some of my parents friends, so I felt quite at home.  Others, however found him, "creepy," "on drugs," and "just kinda...you know?"  None of these are inaccurate mind you, but they are certainly incomplete.  This is a guy who stood in for Jason Priestly, loaned Joan Rivers 30 dollars to buy a dress that she wore on television, hung out with Jane Fonda at some point, and that was all before we finished our sandwiches. Basically, he's the Forrest Gump of the theatre world.  Or maybe he was just stoned.

4. Wenatchee is nowhere near Walla Walla.  I feel this needs no explanation.

Those are the big lessons at least.  I hope this blog will also keep you, friends, posted on important bits of information pertaining to our adventures.  So I shall leave you with those.

Number of people kidnapped: 1

Free drinks obtained (parents don't count): 0

Job offers: 1, but it was offered to two of our company, so 2

Injuries: 2

Best feedback received on our show: "Hey Shakespeare!"