Ottowa Fringe!

First and foremost, Kevin Moore and Willy Kunkel are pretty cool. I just thought I'd get that out there.

Now, after nearly 50 hours and 2500 miles of driving in the last three days, we've arrived in Ottowa. Before I talk about Ottowa, I feel I need to update you readers (both of you) on our experiences thus far. In characteristic me fashion, I shall start with a list.

Number of instances of cows doing sex we saw on our way: 1
Number of cows seen peeing on our way: 2
Number of phrases I have been banned from saying: 2
Number of phrases I have stopped saying since being banned: 0

And now, a quick summary of the states we drove through.

Idaho: Very nice, but I slept through most of it.
Montana: Montana is beautiful and scenic and there was nary a speed trap to be found. However, there was also a depressing lack of restroom facilities on I-90, causing three of our company members to pee in the grass near the highway. It was the least humiliating thing we've done on this trip.
Wyoming: It was dark and we had been driving all day. I did learn an important lesson there, which is that Becca Cox is completely crazy.
South Dakota: Flat, but it has a very nice hotel near Mt. Rushmore that, were we there for more than the six hours we had to sleep, I'm sure we would have enjoyed a great deal.
Minnesota: Holy crap, if I lived there, I would be really nice too.
Wisconsin: Abortion billboards and cheese factories. Need I say more?
Illinois: Despite the IlliNOISE we made as we crossed the border, traffic was not kind to us. We stayed in Becca's apartment in Chicago, which was very lovely. Then we left.
Indiana: I was more than a little saddened to be singing "Gary Indiana" from the Music Man, only to find that Gary, Indiana is kind of a shithole.
Michigan: Lots of factories.

After this veritable whirlwind of midwestern states, we reached the border crossing, and upon hearing that we would actually be doing something in Canada other than disturbing the locals (though of course we intended to do that as well), they sent us to the immigration building to get permits or something. It doesn't matter, the point is, the immigration lady had a crush on me. She even asked me my marital status and place of birth. Hott.

And now we're in Canada, and we have decided upon a foolproof point system to determine whether we like it or not. We'll go in order.

Toronto: Minus 50 points. This city has absolutely no redeeming qualities, don't even try. It's a good thing it came first, and since we've been feeling much nicer and more generous since entering this wonderful country, we don't do negative points. Otherwise, Canada would be screwed.

Our house in Ottowa: Plus 10 points. We basically have this entire house to ourselves. Our hostess is a lovely woman named Brenda who has a large 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom house all to herself. She made us keys and instructed us to make ourselves at home. Go Brenda.

Ottowa: Plus another 5 points. It's like being in the UK, except they all drive on the right side of the road. And the exchange rate is a little better. As Ottowa is the capital of Canada, Parliament is right in the middle of town. It's lovely.

Fringe Performers: Plus 3 points. We might learn how to walk on stilts later this week, and that's all I have to say about that.

Flyering and postering: Minus 15 points. I'm always one for making an ass of myself, but this is out of control. It didn't help that we were still running on not enough sleep. Abby tried to give a flier to the same people three times in the course of about ten minutes.

Our opening performance: Plus 5 points. We actually had more people in the audience than onstage! Mission accomplished! It turns out we might just have enough money to get home after all. Seriously though, the performance was pretty good, and much to Beth's delight, just across the street from the theatre was a pub called, and I still don't believe the luck, The Royal Oak. It's very cute.

I just remembered that I owe everyone an apology. I'm writing this from a library near our house and I forgot to bring the most eventful part of yesterday. It appears that in my haste to bring the car nearer to the Royal Oak last night, I parked right in front of a fire hydrant. I maintain that it was Becca's fault for not seeing it, but that's neither here nor there. The point is that when we returned, we had a little note that some concerned citizens left. I shall post the contents of said note next time, never fear.

Alas, that's all I've got in me for now. Perhaps my cohorts will come and fill in the blanks a little bit. I miss you all and I hope you're having lovely summers, even though I'm not there.

-Forrest