Wakefield is Magical.

So, Wakefield, Quebec is now on my list of places to live and be a happy hippie. It is magical. Despite having only 6 people in our audience tonight (it makes up for the 80 plus we had last night) I love this place. Tonight we went on a walk and saw fireflies. It was like watching the paparazzi out in a field. I even caught one in my hand and watched him crawl out the end of my finger. Then Beth and I saw an awesomely close shooting star with a really close, colored tail. It was beautiful. The frogs were chirping down by the lake and it was silent for all else. The stars here are maybe the clearest I've ever seen in my life (and keep in mind that I grew up in the middle of nowhere.)
It is a charming community of artist-types, the landscape is beautiful, and all the writing is in French, though everyone seems to speak English.
I am in love.

Wakefield Wildlife

Today in Wakefield we witnessed some wildlife. While eating cashew rolls (a kind of food I didn't know existed but was delicious) on the porch of the Pipolinka Bakery, my new favorite place (it was a real bargain for the amazing food), we watched a skunk try desperately to get into this shed across the road. He was knocking himself over, he was trying so hard to wiggle in. Finally, he managed it! And then a cat came along...It had been watching the skunk. We watched, on the edge of our seats, while the cat slunk up to the shed, sniffed around, started nosing around the hole the skunk had gotten in...we were anticipating a grand confrontation, but some people came into the parking lot and the cat ran away.
Also, this is not in Wakefield, but yesterday, Abby and Kate and Brenda (our host) and Lisa and I went downtown in Ottawa to see the cats that live in these little houses by Parliament. There's this old man who feeds them, and there are a bunch of strays that just live there. We did see one cat, and one sleeping cat, but the two animals that spent most of the time eating were an obese groundhog and a big black squirrel. The squirrels are black here, did you know?
Wakefield is the best town ever. There is a cat at our billet named Rafiki. He is friendly but he bites sometimes. However, he bites friendily. Becca bought a pretty blue summer dress and we all ate ice cream.

Wakefield

Oh my god, I want to live here.  Wakefield is a tiny little town about half an hour outside of Ottawa, and we are smitten.  First, some information about the festival we're a part of.  It's called the Piggyback Fringe, and it's put on by a group called Theatre Wakefield, which is just a group of people who are trying to build a theatre here.  This is the first year they've done this festival, they don't charge the performers an entry fee (all the other festivals do), and they publicize the crap out of it, as evidenced by our audience of about 100 last night.  Also, we get 100 percent of the box office revenue.  Theatre Wakefield is using the festival to try an raise money for their theatre.  I just love them.  Also, we might win a canoe.

The venue we're performing at is called the Black Sheep, or rather, the Mouton Noir, as we are now in Quebec.  It's a little bar/restaurant with a tiny stage, usually used for musical acts I think.  Right across the street from the bar, and I mean right across the street, is the river.  The view is incredible, even when it's overcast or a little foggy, or raining.  It's just amazing.

Our hostess here is a perfectly lovely woman named Linda who owns an adorable little house out in the woods outside of Wakefield.  She also has a barn that she refurbished to function as a retreat for team building exercises and the like.  We're staying in the barn, which has internet access, a piano, lots of music, and lots of books on things like team building exercises.  It's also right next to a creek and  a lake in which we can swim and frolic.  Also, there are fireflies.  Seriously, I thought those were made up, but they're real.  I saw them, they're amazing.

Our performance last night, as I said, was incredibly well attended.  I actually would not have thought there were that many people living in this town, but there they all were, drinking and watching our show.  I think we all agreed that it was by far the most fun we've had so far.

What all of this adds up to is that Canada wins like 1000 points.  Seriously, this place is amazing.

We are staying here for our last performance tonight, and then tomorrow for Canada day, Canada's 4th of July, only better.  Apparently there's a boat that's going to float down the river, stop in front of Wakefield, and be the home to an all day party that is capped off by fireworks at night.  We're all pretty excited for that too.

Needless to say, morale is high and life is good.  Next time you're swinging through Canada, take the time to hang out in Wakefield for a while.  And to cap it all off, let us close with a list.

Drinks bought for members of our company: 4.  Woot.

Still the best feedback we've gotten on our show: Hey Shakespeare!

That's all for now.  More lists later.

Lisa...could you maybe...give me...a teabag?

1. Number of people who ran out into the hallway yesterday when we heard Otto say "Are you Kate?" in his real voice: probably at least four. We are the worst wingmen evER.
2. "Mall Madness" has the most complicated setup of any game I have ever played. It seriously takes about 10 minutes to assemble the board. Then it trains you to be a consumer via a big-brother style electronic dictator. The Hair Salon was out of conditioner two turns in a row.
3. This morning I very politely accidentally requested that Lisa teabag me. Lisa, I apologize from the depths of my heart. Thank you for the Chai.
4. Pilates is weird.
5. Lists also work if you end at 5 items.
p.s. And a p.s.
p.p.s. This is my first blog post! Weeeeee! Pleased ta meetcha!
- Breasty Freedom

My Canadian Education

1. exercise makes you soar... that is indeed what she said

2. going for a walk is a work out when you get lost: like it or not you're going to exercise for 2 1/2 hours.

3. Parliament is pretty. They have stone carvings of planes, electrical generators, and tractors in the middle of a neo-gothic-al building to represent the people.

4. Canadian's trust people. Me, a crazy american theatre artist, got into their government building without paying, without id, without even saying an oath to the queen... I went through a metal detector and I was in! I quickly tested the security by saying "my government museums are better than yours!" and nobody beat me with sticks. 

5. The queen is still in charge, she has a government general lady who is basically "queen II" who rules for her. This general lady is appointed and rules! Queen II then has the power to appoint an entire senate! The senators have life long terms. Queen II can choose her dentist to be an all powerful lawmaker and no one would bat an eye lash. It's awesome.

6. Senators can knit and make laws. It's true I saw too elderly ladies on the senate floor knitting while listening to bill proposals. I totally want to be a Canadian senator. I need to befriend this Queen II lady. 

7. I am pretty sure I have no concept of how this government works and that all the above is incorrect and mildly offensive. I haven't wikipedia'd it. So I apologize to all you Canadians for being confused and daft. I think your capital is pretty though!

8. Lists make better posts

9. there were 16 people in the audience last night, but they laughed like they were 30. Go Ottawa! 

10. Ten items makes a better list

Queen o' the mall

It must needs be declared that Fofo is officially "The Queen of the Mall." That's right friends, he beat us all at the horribly insipid and slightly too long board game "Mall Madness." Congratulations Fofo. Speaking on behalf of my other, slightly less masculine half (sorry Evan,) "Meghan" bows to your mighty shopping and ATM-withdrawing abilities.

A low blow

Watch your back, Kate, that's all I have to say. Just because you hear me snoring doesn't always mean I'm asleep.

That said, KITTIES! That's right, the capital of the great nation of Canada has Parliamentary Cats. That's actually a really nice name for strays that a kindly old retiree took in and feeds every day. Ottawa also has black squirrels and groundhogs. So basically, like 500 points for Ottawa. Canada wins.

I actually don't have that much more to say, and perhaps should not have started this blog entry, but I suppose I've come this far and I might as well post it. Think good thoughts, especially if they're about me. Think a lot of those.

Spelling, suffixes

In a twist of fate that is enough to make Ayn Rand believe in the hand of God, Forrest inadvertently turned prophet earlier this week by misspelling 'Ottawa' as 'Ottowa'. For truly, my brethren, the land has indeed become indelibly marked as Otto-wa.

Maybe we shouldn't read too much into this though, as Forrest has a surprising amount of difficulty with the English language considering his relative familiarity with it. Otherwise, he would understand suffixes and the crucial difference between -ed and -ing. As in, 'died' and 'dying'. The difference is slight but, and I believe dying people would agree with me here, important. So, no investing in crucifixes yet I guess. Except when Evan wants a midnight snack.

A defense

As always, a list.

Number of times Forrest has used the word "bitch" in reference to Kate: 0
Number of times Kate has used the word "bitch" in reference to herself: 1

Forrest wins, just for the record. However, I am still willing to take the blame and apologize publicly to Kate, as it is conceivable that her new boyfriend will be reading this blog. Sorry Kate.

That's right, Kate went to see a most excellent show last night called Die Roten Punkte (Evan and Sarah and I were going for the second time) and the lead singer, Otto, dedicated a song to her. Later, at the beer tent, Otto was hella making eyes at her (he looked right at her at least once), and then he gave her a shout out after singing a karaoke song. So they're pretty much going steady.

Also, an update on the romance novel, Carly now has abandoned her dreams of becoming a lawyer. Instead, she wants to be an event planner, which is good because now she can stay at home and take care of Lorenzo's children. He's very proud of her. Then they had sex lots of times. It's really a very uplifting story as long as you're not a woman.

That's all. Come see our show thursday night at 11 if you're in Ottawa.

How Private is this Blog Forrest?

Seriously. Maybe we should tone down how much of a bitch I am. I find myself alienating.

A short post today kids. I think just a list.

Romance novels read aloud: 1 3/4
Romance novels written: 1/4
Hugs given to performers during shows: 1
Invisible vegetable casseroles eaten during shows: 1
Fraction of the company now in favor of getting a company cat after seeing Boatload: 7/8
Killjoy holding us back: Abby
Latest retro craze: Tye dyed pants. You heard it here first.
Latest professional ventures of Forrest and Evan: Professional Modeling. Seriously. Look for us on the latest ad for Vitamin Water.

Do good things everyone. And if you have some free moments, send us money. Please.

-Forrest

Also...

...in Canada they sell otter pops infused with vodka. In flavors such as black currant and strawberry rhubarb.

My turn

I noticed that I am the only person who hasn't yet posted on our blog. This could be because I have my own blog, or because everything I would blog about has been previously...blogged.

Loblaws!

So. In the interest of leaving my mark, I present, A List. Deal with it, Fofo.

Things I like about the Ottawa fringe:
-Buttons
-Stilts
-"Boatload"
-That German punk show
-The beer tent (beer tent!)
-The dachshund I saw walking down the street the other day
-Adult otter pops. Good find, Kate

Things I feel could be "improved":
-Traffic
-The note that one angry girl left on our windshield (I thought she could've used "douchebag" another time, to greater effect)
-The exchange rate
-Carly's (current romance novel heroine) self-esteem

Canada did win many more points last night, however, for their awesome beer. I'm pretty sure I enjoyed it tremendously.

Pools, Classy Liquor Stores, Girl Talk and Constantly Reading Trash pt. 1

Today I went to the recreation area across the street and, with a slightly fake student ID, made it into the lane swim for 3 dollars off asking price. Honestly, I just don't consider myself an adult--I feel like paying that fee would be the real lie. The pool is full of real swimmers swimming real fast and dirty old French men with a sprinkling of adorably acerbic ancient Englishwomen. Occasionally, I had to employ the personal space bubble of viciously whirling my arms in some sort of undetermined exercise in an attempt to keep the Dirty Old Men at least an arms' length away from me. I do this sometimes when working out or dancing if dudes start crowding me and then I can punch them pretty hard and act like it was an accident. Overall though, I did not end up fighting octagenarians at the public pool but instead engaged some ridiculous older biddies with charming English accents about how we are all likely to not get anything good out of life before using the sauna and walking back.

They put milk in bags

Canadians are iteresting folk. They put their milk in bags. I think that is messed up. I mean it looks like a big breast implant, which naturally reminds me of what milk is...then I re-think my relationship to dairy products and start to question my love of cheese...NO ONE  SHOULD MAKE ME QUESTION MY LOVE OF CHEESE! Canada, that's wrong, Americans never make their hamburgers in the shape of little cows and our nuggets look nothing like chicken. Its all a big conspiracy to make people vegan. 

Anyway, the capital of Canada is quite pretty. There are beautiful UK looking buildings that give the illusion that they are old buildings (but our buildings are older another point for America were are not the baby of North America). They have canals that cut through the city and picturesque bridges that go over them. Our company has had a few romantic moments strolling over them. They also have a parliament building and museums much like our capital, I hope to venture into them and see some important canadians doing important things that have very little to do with me. 

As for the fringe, we have learned that Fringe theatre is very much like public school, they take everybody. The good and the bad...like really bad, and it's all the same price. So seeing a show is like a grab bag of gifts: you may get a cool lego set or you can get a used sock. This makes theatre going fun and risky. I can't wait to play today! 

. 

Too many plays!

Plays seen: 4
Plays enjoyed: 3
Number of enjoyed plays we understood: 2
New obsession: Stilts

That's right, stilts. We saw a play called "This is a very old story." I'm gonna have to take their word for it, because no one I was with could follow the story, but that was okay because it was almost entirely on stilts. In fact, the only people not on stilts were there to get people up and down from the stilts. Actually I just like saying stilts. Stilt stilt stilt. It's one of those words if you say it long enough, you hear the voice of God.

We've now done three shows here in Ottowa, and all things considered, it's going quite well. We had a pretty big crowd on Saturday, and on Sunday it was a little smaller, but there was one guy that had a lovely laugh who was sitting in the front row bellowing throughout the whole show. Thanks guy.

Also, I can't believe I forgot the beer store. What a concept.

And now, a quick summary of some of the lovely people we have met thus far.

Javid: See post below. Dudes a little cray cray.

The guy that played Jesus in Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter: Yep, he's here, he has one line, and it was the funniest line in the show. The rest of the time he's passed out in the corner.

Sampler man: He works one of those sample carts at the local grocery store (Loblaws. Still funny). I took a small cup of delicious iced cream, then he looked at me, reached under the counter, and gave me a popsicle. Said it was good for a hangover, and that I looked like I needed it. Thanks sampler man.

That's all the time I have, perhaps there is more to come later. And maybe my castmates will step it the crap up and post something. Anything. Except Becca, she's cool. And Kate. Not because she posted something, but because she could easily kick my ass. Also, personal message to Miss Rosie Brownlow. If you're not her, stop reading. Rosie, of course we brought Gus, but as could be expected, he's pissed drunk and passed out in the food bag in the car. I did my best.

We all be cray.

I would like to first and foremost like to give Ottawa a few more points than Forrest's supposedly generous 'merican (not to be mistaken for "merkin") heart was dealing out. It is truly a lovely city. I give it like, 25 points at least just for being pretty. Maybe this is because, as Forrest pointed out, Michigan and Toronto were not easy on the eyes. Ottawa really does feel very much like the UK, only the people here are actually very nice and do not tell you to "%!*$% off!" in the tube (not that I'm bitter, ahem London!)
Also, I would like to give Ottawa some points for selling romance novels at the drugstore titled "Under the Italian's Command." This is a poorly written, misogynistic book, but it is entertaining beyond words. Also, Ottawa drugstores sell delicious chocolates from Europe which also make me happy. So, definitely 15 points there.
Also, I don't have a clue why anyone would put down flier-ing. What is not to love about wrapping one's tightly rag-curled head in a bright red scarf and darting through the trees at rib-eating strangers who are eating ribs to shove our show fliers into their hands and give them a mile-a-minute speech about driving across the country from Walla Walla, Washington? I thought it was a grand time.
As for the fire-hydrant incident. I maintain that it was hard to see, and, at the very least, we got a hilariously written insult on a gum package out of the deal. And, we invented a very horrible slur that night. Or rather, shall I say a certain male member of our company that is not Forrest, invented a new horrible slur. I give out points for that.
I also give Ottawa points for 1) Loblaws grocery store. "Bob Loblaw's Law Blog anyone?"
2) The Beer Store. It is exactly what it sounds like, only cooler. A warehouse full of 500 types of beer that you order and it comes out on a conveyor belt. Unfortunately for me, I grew up in a state with 3.2 beer, and have a slightly low BMI, so really, one beer out of the 24 purchased at The Beer Store will do the trick quite well.
So, basically, go Ottawa!
Secondly, I would like it to be added to the record that our company has been setting new fashion crazes. Pink grandma shirts are desirable beyond all belief, especially when paired with shorty running shorts. Scarves over hair tied up in rag curls are all the rage, and, last but not least, UNDER-EYE CIRCLES take the cake. They are H-O-T-T. Maybe even hotter than my future Arkansan husband Jared Hatt.
Oh, and also, I would from here on out like you all to imagine my name, Bambi Boom-Boom with a heart over the i in Bambi.
Kisses!

Ottowa Fringe!

First and foremost, Kevin Moore and Willy Kunkel are pretty cool. I just thought I'd get that out there.

Now, after nearly 50 hours and 2500 miles of driving in the last three days, we've arrived in Ottowa. Before I talk about Ottowa, I feel I need to update you readers (both of you) on our experiences thus far. In characteristic me fashion, I shall start with a list.

Number of instances of cows doing sex we saw on our way: 1
Number of cows seen peeing on our way: 2
Number of phrases I have been banned from saying: 2
Number of phrases I have stopped saying since being banned: 0

And now, a quick summary of the states we drove through.

Idaho: Very nice, but I slept through most of it.
Montana: Montana is beautiful and scenic and there was nary a speed trap to be found. However, there was also a depressing lack of restroom facilities on I-90, causing three of our company members to pee in the grass near the highway. It was the least humiliating thing we've done on this trip.
Wyoming: It was dark and we had been driving all day. I did learn an important lesson there, which is that Becca Cox is completely crazy.
South Dakota: Flat, but it has a very nice hotel near Mt. Rushmore that, were we there for more than the six hours we had to sleep, I'm sure we would have enjoyed a great deal.
Minnesota: Holy crap, if I lived there, I would be really nice too.
Wisconsin: Abortion billboards and cheese factories. Need I say more?
Illinois: Despite the IlliNOISE we made as we crossed the border, traffic was not kind to us. We stayed in Becca's apartment in Chicago, which was very lovely. Then we left.
Indiana: I was more than a little saddened to be singing "Gary Indiana" from the Music Man, only to find that Gary, Indiana is kind of a shithole.
Michigan: Lots of factories.

After this veritable whirlwind of midwestern states, we reached the border crossing, and upon hearing that we would actually be doing something in Canada other than disturbing the locals (though of course we intended to do that as well), they sent us to the immigration building to get permits or something. It doesn't matter, the point is, the immigration lady had a crush on me. She even asked me my marital status and place of birth. Hott.

And now we're in Canada, and we have decided upon a foolproof point system to determine whether we like it or not. We'll go in order.

Toronto: Minus 50 points. This city has absolutely no redeeming qualities, don't even try. It's a good thing it came first, and since we've been feeling much nicer and more generous since entering this wonderful country, we don't do negative points. Otherwise, Canada would be screwed.

Our house in Ottowa: Plus 10 points. We basically have this entire house to ourselves. Our hostess is a lovely woman named Brenda who has a large 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom house all to herself. She made us keys and instructed us to make ourselves at home. Go Brenda.

Ottowa: Plus another 5 points. It's like being in the UK, except they all drive on the right side of the road. And the exchange rate is a little better. As Ottowa is the capital of Canada, Parliament is right in the middle of town. It's lovely.

Fringe Performers: Plus 3 points. We might learn how to walk on stilts later this week, and that's all I have to say about that.

Flyering and postering: Minus 15 points. I'm always one for making an ass of myself, but this is out of control. It didn't help that we were still running on not enough sleep. Abby tried to give a flier to the same people three times in the course of about ten minutes.

Our opening performance: Plus 5 points. We actually had more people in the audience than onstage! Mission accomplished! It turns out we might just have enough money to get home after all. Seriously though, the performance was pretty good, and much to Beth's delight, just across the street from the theatre was a pub called, and I still don't believe the luck, The Royal Oak. It's very cute.

I just remembered that I owe everyone an apology. I'm writing this from a library near our house and I forgot to bring the most eventful part of yesterday. It appears that in my haste to bring the car nearer to the Royal Oak last night, I parked right in front of a fire hydrant. I maintain that it was Becca's fault for not seeing it, but that's neither here nor there. The point is that when we returned, we had a little note that some concerned citizens left. I shall post the contents of said note next time, never fear.

Alas, that's all I've got in me for now. Perhaps my cohorts will come and fill in the blanks a little bit. I miss you all and I hope you're having lovely summers, even though I'm not there.

-Forrest

Ruby Tatas

I obviously hate a few things in my line of work (semi-professional hater), but there is one name that really spits on my grits. That name, ladies and gentlemen, is Mandy. I hate it. Hate it mainly because half of the Barry Manilow song plays in my head everytime the name is uttered. (Clearly I hate the song as well). So, what do I discover but that the name of our GPS is none other than Mandy? Oh! AH! AARGH. I refuse. Yet somehow Mandy's name is irreversible according to other cast members. Therefore, I propose that Mandy has a job as an exotic dancer by night at a club of less than savory disposition. Naturally she must have a stage name. And effortlessly the name Ruby Tatas immediately sprang to mind. Beth then required her own stage name for unclothed dealings and so, I have taken the liberty of providing alter-egos for all of my cast mates in case they decide to delve into the world of striptease:
1. Beth Frieden= Breasty Freedom
2. Evan Cartwright= Esteban Cockwell
3. Sarah Hatheway= Sweet Honeypie
4. Abby Lynch= Amber Lips
5. Lisa Battle= Lady Delight
Becca Cox and Forrest Seamons posed a bit of a challenge as, sorry guys, they already have near-striptastic names, but in the interest of fairplay I now dub them Bambi Boomboom and Heart Throb.

I will continue wearing these awesome new glasses I bought courtesy of the local Kmart that make me look even more like the Lolita-esque teenage Lothario I am attempting to be. Goodnight.

a few photos

Well, I'm glad Forrest started a location where I can put up my favorite "sarah playing the flute" gallery. So much more fun than those normal show photos.

Not Official Enough!

It's been two weeks with this cast and we've already decided that one blog is just not enough to hold us.  For updates on show dates and performances and such, check our official website at formerlywitty.blogspot.com.  This blog is to chronicle our more adventurous news from the road, the stuff that we might not want official people looking at.  And so, without further ado I will attempt to sum up the lessons we have learned thus far.

1. Don't double park!  Our first week of rehearsal in Portland, we were delayed by half an hour due to someone double parking and blocking us in.  That was, of course, until we realized that my car was directly across the street and big enough to carry everything we needed.  The combination of that and the fact that double-parking jackass left their keys in the car, probably so that we could move it if need be, made us feel a little silly.

2. Drinking an entire bottle of wine can make you an alcoholic.  It can also make you a really good actor.  Also, when ones parents buy the wine, that's a plus.

3.  Men are good for more than tasteless jokes.  They also are very good at fending off strange, creepy old men from coming into the dressing rooms while girls are changing.  This bears some explaining, as I feel I need to come to the defense of a new friend.  His name is Javid.  It probably isn't, but we don't actually know his name for sure; we're just pretty sure it's either Jason or David.  We met Javid at the free lunch the festival provided for us, and we quickly learned two things about him.  1. He knows lots of things, and 2. He likes telling all of those things to everyone around without pausing to let them say anything.  I personally enjoyed him immensely, as he reminded me somewhat of some of my parents friends, so I felt quite at home.  Others, however found him, "creepy," "on drugs," and "just kinda...you know?"  None of these are inaccurate mind you, but they are certainly incomplete.  This is a guy who stood in for Jason Priestly, loaned Joan Rivers 30 dollars to buy a dress that she wore on television, hung out with Jane Fonda at some point, and that was all before we finished our sandwiches. Basically, he's the Forrest Gump of the theatre world.  Or maybe he was just stoned.

4. Wenatchee is nowhere near Walla Walla.  I feel this needs no explanation.

Those are the big lessons at least.  I hope this blog will also keep you, friends, posted on important bits of information pertaining to our adventures.  So I shall leave you with those.

Number of people kidnapped: 1

Free drinks obtained (parents don't count): 0

Job offers: 1, but it was offered to two of our company, so 2

Injuries: 2

Best feedback received on our show: "Hey Shakespeare!"